I placed my dream in a ship
and the ship on top of the sea;
—and then parted the sea with my hands
to sink my dream in the deep.
My hands still drip with water
from the blue of the waves thus parted
and the color that runs from my fingers
colors the sands, now deserted.
The wind is approaching from afar,
the night in the cold submits;
under the waves lies dying
my dream, in the hold of a ship…
I will weep as much as needed,
so that I might the sea increase
and that my ship might come to the bottom
and that my dream might cease.
And then, all will be perfect:
the beach smooth, the waters ordered,
my eyes, dry as stones
my two hands, shattered.
I will love you as an airplane loves to fall from a clear blue sky and as an escalator loves to entangle expensive scarves in its mechanisms. I will love you as a wet paper towel loves to be crumpled into a ball and thrown at a bathroom ceiling and as an eraser loves to leave dust in the hairdos of people who talk too much. I will love you as a cufflink loves to drop from its shirt and explore the party for itself and as a pair of white gloves loves to slip delicately into the punchbowl. I will love you as the taxi loves the muddy splash of a puddle and as a library loves the patient tick of a clock.” —Lemony Snicket, The Beatrice Letters (via owlveinss)
I feel a lot better after writing that all out and crying a lot. sometimes tears help so much. it just releases it all. Its now 430 am and I have to be up at 7. trying to decide if I should sleep or stay up….I can hear the birds start to chirp outside my window. life really is beautiful despite it all.
“The worst thing: To give yourself away in exchange for not enough love.”
- Joyce Carol Oates
I can’t sleep. I’m just up crying and crying about my friendship with jess. I met a customer who came into urban over the weekend who totally reminded me of her. I don’t know what it was. they looked similar but their mannerisms were also very similar. We started talking and she gave me the web address to her blog and we have been emailing a little bit. sometimes I think things happen for a reason. maybe I was meant to be friends with jess so later I could be reminded of her when I met this other girl, really that was the main reason we started talking (this customer and me). I guess its all just a part of this weird thing called life. I’m trying to be open with myself about my feelings , and I’m doing a better job at it than I ever have in the past. It’s a lot easier to deal with things if you feel them when they come and work through them and let them go rather than avoiding it and letting it build up. It;s been almost a month since jess and I have stopped being friends. I don’t know if she still reads my blog and I’m guessing she doesn’t. I try not to look at hers because it makes me upset how easy it was for her to transition me out of her life. But that out of the way, deep down I am glad she is happy and not suffering from this the way I am. you know, its a well known fact that the more you invest in a relationship the more you feel the loss when its gone. I think I was a lot more invested in our relationship than jess ever was. that was the main reason we had such a huge split. She felt pressured from me to be invested and I felt lack of interest and care from her. The friendship obviously wasn’t working so I’m not sure why I still cry over it. I don’t think we will ever be friends again, which I’m okay with. I don’t want to go through this again. I’m trying to only get involved with people who can be emotionally responsive and supportive and have a two way friendship. It’s strange because I have been getting really close to my friend at school who is also named jess. It’s weird to be in a friendship where the person actually calls you to see how you are doing and vice versa. it feels so healthy and I dont know… satisfying.
That being said I dont think there is a day that has gone by that I haven’t thought about and grieved my relationship with jess w. I bought her this stupid birthday present like a month before her birthday, and our fight was the night before her birthday. I felt pretty shitty about that but it didn’t seem to effect her too much, I’m glad she had her boyfriend and family and other friends to be there for her. anyway, I asked her for her new address so I could send her gift. she wouldn’t give it to me, which I can understand, because why would you want a present from your ex friend? I haven’t managed to get rid of it yet though. Its just sitting on my bookshelf where I see it everyday. I was thinking about messaging her boyfriend on facebook since we are technically friends on facebook and asking him for her address so I could send it to her anonmoyously. but i really dont know her boyfriend and I dont know if he would give it to me, and I didn’t want to stir up more drama or awkwardness. I know I should just get rid of the damn thing. Its just one of those presents that is perfect. It didnt even cost me that much money but its so funny and awesome and great now I’m crying again. It was just one of those gifts that you see and you know how great it is the second you see it.
but who knows. she probably wouldn’t have liked it anyway. I honestly feel like someone in my life has died all over again. this time its almost even worse because they are still alive and I can see how happy they are without me in their life. sometimes I wonder whats wrong with me. why can no one seem to care deeply for me in return? I have never had a really serious boyfriend. I have been single for two years. I’ve lost friends. I’ve lost my best friend.
I’m sorry if I’m being all dramatic. I had a pretty hard night tonight. I’ve been having sex with this guy the past two months kind of casually, and last week I broke it off becuase i wanted to start dating people seriously again and I couldn’t be serious with this guy. the sex was really good but he was older than me and pretty messed up. we met off this dating site okcupid, that most of the girls that go to my school are on since I’m at pretty much an all girls school. but anyway he has been texting me non stop. for the most part I have been ignoring him but tonight I just said that I was sorry, but he really had to leave me alone. he proceeded to tell me that he would never make the mistake of dating a fat girl with mental problems again. It stung pretty bad. Logically I know that he just said that to get back at me for hurting him, but it was pretty low. I had never said anything mean to him, and I didn’t even text him back . Later, he IMed me, and I just said something like “that was pretty hurtful and low, and you need to leave me alone.” he then proceeded to call me a fatso. its been a long time since I’ve been called fat, but I’m sure people think it all the time or say it behind my back or in their thoughts. I don’t really know how to deal with that. I struggle with my body a lot. I wish I wasn’t fat. In my brain I’m not, if that makes sense. the way I see my body most of the time is not fat. but I guess I am. I know I struggle with food a lot. I’m an emotional eater (although I’ve gotten a lot better) and I’ve been known to totally binge on chocolate and shit when going through a rough time. and I totally don’t exercise at the gym as often as I should (although earlier this year I was doing really good at that). Sometimes I wonder if thats why I don’t have a boyfriend. I guess thats probably part of it. the other part of me thinks thats stupid though, because honestly I think I would want to be with someone who wouldn’t care a lot about looks. but I guess thats a part of life and society.
I guess if anyone reads this entry they will think I’m a really unhappy person. I’m not though. I think losing people is the hardest thing that I , as a person, will ever face. for me it is almost unbearable. But really, what have I lost? not talking to jess this past month has been almost normal in some ways. we barely talked as it was. what did I miss? myself reflected in her? being emotionally invested in someone I felt I could trust? it was deeper than that. I like to believe that on some deeper level that jess and I connected as two real people joining each other in life. I was delighted to have her as a friend. I remember the first time I met her, I thought she was so cool because she could honk to the rhythm of a song. I was in 7th grade. I don’t even know how we started being friends after that. Honestly the second I met her I knew she was going to be something great in my life. that she was. she will always be.
“We must get our hearts broken sometimes. This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something.”
- Elizabeth Gilbert
— Madeleine L’Engle
SO TRUE. my poetry teacher tells me this everyday.